01.02.11

Three times I went to the ration shop to stick the additional sheet and they called me to come yesterday. To my surprise when I went there it was closed. Today morning I was thinking of my husband …if he was here he would have got things done. Here I should say two three experiences where my heart depended on my husband as the ultimate and I was given strong blow by the Lord…Depend on me alone…I am the Ultimate. I have felt the true love of omnipotent divine everytime. So I was thinking OH Krishna you are the parama purusha. You have revealed the goddess within me.Come with me.Now you are the one responsible for me. When I went there only one person has come and he was very known to me my sons classmate’s uncle. He was walking every year to Tirupathi and strong devotee of Narayana. He was wearing Sindhura as Namam and asked me bala amma why have you come ? you would have told me and I would have got it done for you. I said I didn’t buy things for long time too. Is there any problem. He checked up with the man there and told no problem. He further added ..I know people here as well as in the main office. Even if there is any problem I will help you. You let me know.

See the Lord’s ways. Here I am a tangible proof! Please never worship mechanically…place your heart with the Lord and see. Miracles become way of life.

I had the sankalpa I will not keep flowers on my head till I get it from Lord’s heart. Today I brought Nityamalli flowers to the Lord. Everyday at the Tirupathi Devasthana temple the person doing pooja used to get it and place it at the neck of mahalakshmi but they were never bothered to give any flower back. Today when I gave the person doing pooja got it and placed in the neck of the lord touching his chin.It is as though he was receiving it in full love. He asked me for the first time are you tieing this flower at home. I said no I got it in the evening from my flower selling lady and kept it in fridge and brought it. He said only this sweet smelling flowers should be offered to the Lord & I am very much satisfied.

I got flowers from the Lord.

Yes today I placed my heart with the lord and I felt what he meant is sweet smelling heart and not the lamenting one as I am now.

30.01.11

Today evening tears were welling up when my son went along with his friends to play. Everyone got their fathers to take care. See why my son should grow like this as an orphan? There are people to take care but anyway being at the lap of the father and playing he misses. I cried like anything oh! Lord why you gave a situation like this. Non stop tears were rolling…I heard the voice of my son at the door …amma we five of us has come ,get water for all. As usual my son chanted Vishnu Sahasranama & pooja was performed. I thought of going to my old house owners house as they were calling me for a long time. Myself & my son went there. Just I was a witness there. All the family members of my old house owner were there. All of them started speaking to my son at his level and they were each making fun and everyone was impressed by the sense of humour he has got . Three of them took him on their lap and started fondling him. Three hours passed just like that and they were telling me please bring bala often . By laughing our ears ache. So much relieved we are.

To say I was much relieved with peace spreading within me.. with the love they showered. To say really my son gives solace to me and not I. He has got a good sense of humour. Once I told my son.. all my prayers and all I worship the fruits are for you to spread peace in this world. Next day morning he was saying Amma yesterday I was praying Lord that all the fruits of Vishnu Sahasranama I recite daily should go to you. Really I was taken aback by his words with tears. Yes this is true love which we have forgotten now in this fast revolving world.

24.12.10.

It is three four months since the flower selling lady stopped her sale not to henceforth come. Yesterday there was some blankness in my heart when I crossed the place where she sells flowers. She always used to get unique and varieties of flowers which others don’t. A thought crossed me. Ok everything you deprive me of. After his demise(Husband) you deprive me of my soulful flowers too I feel. Anyway I accept whatever you give in life with my whole heart. Nothing is permanent here …everything blooms & perishes too!. Your Holy Feet is my only hold.

To my surprise today morning on my way I could see beautiful flowers & the flower seller sitting in usual place smiling and handing over the flowers to me. What else I need in life….! Lord..The Kalpaka Vriksha rushes to manifest a thought which arises within…! Blessed I feel.

Swamiji stopped communication after the events that happened following the demise of my Husband.Every margali month right from my childhood from the age of two I had the practice of going to temple ,credit goes to my mother. This time no…liveliness to go. Last week end I could feel the pull of the Lord…(Tirupathi). Somehow I felt an anger towards HIM. In the midnight while sleeping I could feel HIS presence saying that whatever you wish you ask for. I was so upset and reacted in a spur of the moment.. could you bring his life back? No. then why ask me? Then I realized my thoughts moving in ignorant ways. Yes even when my Husband was with me I based my root fixed on the Lord & I was aware that everything happened only by HIS will and we were mere puppets. I asked forgiveness from the LORD for my useless anger.

I had another experience too . Words rising up from within…Shyam Sundara form is the most beautiful form. I could feel the love of Lord but my heart was not in a condition to receive it. I told my brother about this too. This happened on 18.12.10. On 22^nd I had a sudden remembrance of this and I searched in the net for Shyam Sundara form. To my wonder He is the LORD of Vrindavan and this particular form of Krishna has manifested from the Heart of Radha & it is the full expression of Personal Godhood & best two handed form of Lord Krishna.

Yesterday morning I woke up at 5 A.M. This margali from 1^st evening I could notice an unusual change in climate and extreme cold in the air…. After many years ,now the climate is like the one when I was at 7 years old…so chill! And Tirupathi witnessed 14degree which was never before it seems.I remembered those pleasant days of rising up earlier…worshipping the Lord…! Immediately I took bath and recited Thiruppavai…Thiruvembavai & Varanamayiram and offered milk to the Lord and did Pooja. This gave me peace amidst my disturbed disappointment with my Husband’s death. Today Swamiji called up saying that something pulled my heart to speak to you. How are You? I had noticed whenever I chant Mahamantra in deep quest or whenever I pray Krishna soulfully communication from my Guru comes without fail. I could feel the love of God tangibly manifest to hear me…see…me…follow me…protect me like lashes of eye. Even amidst such great guidance my heart dive deep in ignorance. I could feel the deep pain of people too fully in ignorance how it would shatter them into pieces. True… so binding is this world…unless conscious to the core we are soaked…soaked…in deep ignorance!

THE VERY SOURCE OF US DESERVE THE TOPMOST ATTENTION WITH TOTAL SURRENDER & PRAYERFULNESS WITHIN. A LOT OF WORLDLY THINGS WE MAY BE OCCUPIED WITH WHICH ARE TRANSCIENT & COULD BE BLOWN INTO ASHES WITHIN SECONDS BY MIGHTY WILL! WITHOUT GRACE THERE IS NO "YOU" OR "ME"..".NO WORLD" OR "BREATHE"

THE MAJESTY ,MAGNANIMITY MIRACULOUSNESS & EVER FILLING LOVE WHICH NEVER EVEN DREAMT OF....TOUCH THE NAKED SOUL & WEDS IT BACK TO THE EVER PERVADING SPIRIT OF THE LORD! THOSE WHO PENETRATE TO SUBTLE LEVEL BEYOND ALL GROSS VEILS EXPERIENCE THIS BLISS WHERE EVERY ATOM OF THE BEING VIBRATES & DANCES TO THE TUNE OF CREATION AS RADHA'S WHIRLING DANCE WITH KRISHNA!

Supreme Intelligence operate the law of life. Move in harmony with it to witness events happening beautifully ! All we need.... is to look in a different dimension with no interference from any ego created inhibitions!.

THE MORE AND MORE WE MAKE LIFE DECISIVE WITH CONCLUSIONS AND DEFINITIONS,THE LESS AND LESS ALIVE WE BECOME!