I am unable to post everytime logging in. I write down time to time the experiences which is heartfelt which I will be sharing under the label "From my diary".

Tirumala painstaking incidence

06.05.11

Last Friday night I couldn,t sleep. Cries of amma amma amma nonstop were lingering in my ears. . I was trying to stop it but couldn’t. It was rushing into my ears.It was as though a cry heard at the death of someone's mother. My heart was praying to the Lord. Oh! Lord so far you have made me hear so many Mangala(auspiscious) words. Why such amangala(inauspiscious ) cry is heard. I have experienced many times vedic mantra sounds rising from within me but never such a cry. I was thinking whether something happened to my mother and whether it was to foretell my cry. It was a female voice. I was praying… just now I am recovering slowly from a big blow…oh Lord my heart would never bear another. Why this nonstop loud cry which makes my heart spin with pain?. I repeated gayathri manthra by will. Normally I do not compel myself to recite mantras. It flows many time spontaneously from within. But now to move away from the loud cry I was trying to recite gayatri mantra. But the cry was overriding it. I didn’t sleep literally. Early morning Saturday at five I was out of bed with painful urinary track infection. I was trying all methods to get rid of it. I took an antibiotic I was praying why Lord you make me suffer like this?.

But today really I got the answer to it. While reading the news at Dinamalar, I could see the news of 14 year old girl raped at Tirumala by a guard at Friday ,the whole night. I was in tears. How the soul of the girl would have cried….! Such thing happened in my Lords place. How shameful. Such a tender child in the hands of vulgarities of Human mind.

Tirumala is the place where the Goddess is to be revered. All women in the form of Goddess are to be equally revered. Srinivasan …the name of the Lord itself wraps the Goddess within as a precious treasure. Why this much lust have come into human minds? Where love has gone? My soul cries deep. Relieve me out of this planet. I am unable to bear the pain and see hardheartedness around. Let my soul move away and fly deep into the precious core heart where eternal pure love is treasured never to return again.

Now I share the bissful vision I had in the morning which made me wake up early in the morning at 4 AM. It is as such I am sleeping beside Lord Krishna on his right side. He has kept HIS right palm facing upwards and my left cheek was resting on it. I could see His body wrapped in yellow silk and I have placed my right leg woven around HIS leg like a child over his mother's. Blissful sleep..in which I half-open my eyes to see his hand in sea blue colour contrasting his palm which is lotus pink and as soft as a lotus flower. After a long gap I see HIM and with blissful heart I woke up. You know words sprung up within me...which are from Bible. Believe or not I have never read bible but I come across words in churches or places around which I never memorise. Here is the Bible sentence which spontaneously got expressed" En Neethiyin valathu karathaal vunnai thaanguvaen" meaning "By the Dharma of my Right Hand...I shall Hold You"

After Jan'6 having felt the magnanimous grace I write today. I had a vision early inthe morning which I will speak in the next post. I have read books by sadhguru and heard him speak and had visions of HIM two three times. I had high reverence for HIM not because people are around HIM but as the only soul which expresses the seeds within me in action. when HE speaks I feel it is as though HE is ME such totality HE has got. In no way I am doing injustice to my GURU by expressing like this because I feel my vasudev has become HIM. Once when I had the vision of HIM I felt that HIS body is only a wood like thing and the air within HIM speaks...unlimited is HIS consciousness! After hearing HIS speech as an apt reply and solace to my hearts pain on Jan'6...I spoke to my sister too about this. She informed that Sadhguru is conducting a programme in Madurai initiating people in March for two three days where HE will be personally present. You see a wish arouse within me to see HIM in person. I was not much interested to join Isha or to get initiation but just I wanted to feel HIS presence by sitting close to HIM. I asked my sister if I could also join her for the programme. She said ok. But later on I came to know the programme is at the mass level and I felt amidst huge mass of people my wish would not be fulfilled. So I dropped the idea. I even forgot about it....yes for a great mystic like sadhguru and for the task which HE is in and amidst the busy schedule he has got there will be very elite society of people around HIM...what has this simple soul has got to do...it is impossible to go near HIM.


You just see the grace of GOD how it works to fulfill a simple devotee's hearful wish. TVH group has advertised three four days back in Hindu that they are going to conduct a Green Conclave programme in Hotel Park Shereton to which Sadhguru presides. I felt there would be a huge entry fees for that. Anyway a curiosity developed if we could see him near ,a nominal fee we could afford let us check it. When I cheked it they said the entry is free and they will let know within two days by message to my mobile. I didn't believe it at first. Yesterday evening I got a confirmation message from them for my participation in the programme. I was so happy. Today is the programme morning 10AM to 1PM. You see I was not much used to Star Hotels. Once a year we keep our company get together in any one star Hotel and that is how I know a little.But I hesitate to go alone. But the Park Hotel is very near from my office at venkatnarayana Road which I could easily reach. See it was a closed AC hall and I sat on the fourth row . The platform is very low only two feet high. I wished to be in the first row but it had been reserved for VIPs. Sadhguru came and my heart vibrated in bliss. Musician Sudha Raghunathan sang a beautiful song. I was in full spirit.Everyone spoke but I was feeling the presence alone no words entered my heart. I wished I could touch HIS feet. The heads of people in the front rows were hiding and I felt there should be nothing inbetween sadhguru and my praying heart. In the first row just before the seat of sadhguru on the platform ,there was a vacant seat and I was afraid to venture for that. In the second row there was a seat so just I got up and when I was about to occupy that seat a person said someone is coming and he asked me why dont you sit there pointing the seat at the first row. Immediately I sat there just before sadhguru direct... the gap should be just ten eleven feets. Imagine...how blissful..from feet to head the whole body which expresses the divine was giving Dharshan to this simple soul and nothing was inbetween us. And do you know it was more than an hour. When he came further in front to deliver his speech I was really immersed in grace. After the speech when he was about to leave...I could touch his feet since I was very near.

Nothing I conversed...when everything was filled...words become meaningless. It is as though the grace has descended to fill. A wish arising from a pure devoted heart manifests tangibly which we could experience in life.

As though I am in the lap of the Lord...the deep pain created due to the death of my husband...do not wither away so easily...! You know last sunday I was so upset that I cried to the Lord...what is happening and what do you will to do through me...! The surrender to say easily...but if the thorn pricks we cannot smile... which is true indeed! I could feel the pain of millions of souls in despair.

Sunday evening when I was just switching over channels in TV I ended up with the live telecast of Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev's programme. It is as though I felt he spoke for me alone. It answered all the queries raised within me. He touched the topic of death...and when he said that a person dying young...his soul is vibrant for 48 days that we could touch it to infuse divine ananda of atleast one drop ,my soul longed to do it for my husband...! I meditated and offered prayers for him.

Love is such that I feel it should give indepth peace at the soul level. So it is only the Mahatmas who love soulfully. We were not aware of their greatness which works at the subtle level. Rever the Yogi's, Jnani's and saints but for them this world is unable to withstand. They balance the whole nature.

Much experiences have passed... out of which what I write down is only 10%. Like a witness I am to the events that happen. Emotions which create untrue & unwanted thoughts....external restrictions our near ones tend to impose.... gracefully my heart looks into the ignorant veils.

For a long time I hesitated to open out the aspect of Guru in my life. It is not that to keep anything hidden...but a fear that how far who read this would receive Him in full. A Jnani is not alone for good...HE is the ocean where both ganges and muddy water gets dissolved. He is not a saint to say...because saints are sattvic and graceful. But a Jnani is one who marries contradictions. Hiranya garbha is the form I met...dreaming Narayana..creator.....sustainer! I haven't been deep into Krishna worship. When at the age of 16 I read Sri Ramakrishna... I took Balamuruha as my favourite God. All through my life... object of my intense love & devotion is Balamuruha. So many poems I wrote on HIM...so many songs of HIM I memorised and my consciousness expanded in the form of a mother...including the whole universe in love.

Ultimately I ended up with Sri Krishna as my Guru....! Strange...but my experiences are as unexpected and as spontaneous as the bloom of a flower. Pure Divine Love is into every atom of my being! It is not that I am so perfect...I have my own limitations...I am into ordinary life...balancing...reconciling the world...at the same time witnessing with wonder what happens within me...in total surrender to the will of my Lord. Divine Love is the pivot of my life.

A will of Lord if it arises no man has the power to stop it...! If HE do not will...no man could give it...! This I have experienced personally and wondered! However worth you are....you are within HIS will...! HE is the ultimate BOSS! No other option than to act the allotted part! You can reconcile and move beyond but cannot resist! This too I have learned after much pain....! With tears my soul begged...please leave me... as Sita pleaded to be with mother Earth than to go with Rama!

Awakening & realisation of the Goddess self within me...! I wondered and browsed the net to find whether it happened in any others life! I found some similar experiences in saints as well as in some others life! I could also see certain websites made it a tool to make lot of money!After every experience I search the net or refer books to confrm whether it is an illusion or whether it is factual represented by any one or in any vedic literature!

Do not think that it is easy to be GOD! HE kills himself to experience life! Most difficult and painful too it is! It is a state which is there as well as not there! It is a position where when all desires are dropped U are filled! Heaven accompanied with hell!

I am here to place all my experiences which all could be equally aware once we move into subtler levels through intense love I feel. All are glimpses of experiences given to me through grace! I do not incline or intend so intense to know! So I am not everytime aware but I am pulled in the flow to observe without judgement!

Will continue...in Divine Love
vishnupriya

Shock of Life....unexpressible....sudden demise of my husband on 22.11.10. A day dawned to receive my rain of tears...! Yes rain flooded even whole of Tamil Nadu! The whole nature cried with me!A person who lived yesterday....no more today. Very difficult to digest....the pain imposed by nature...! Heart shattering and cry of soul....! What is life....? Journey towards death...! Hardest truth which struck us....! What we carry...? Nothing....! Within seconds he is gone in sleep without any pain leaving us in deepest pain.

All I do...breathe..is Divine and our marriage too happened in such a way arranged and blessed by divine! 12 years of married life...! Like a Yagna I lived this life. Yes... my heart wished to raise up a simple egoless selfless soul so neglected just because he is not smart materialistically. Life was so full of thorns with blooming roses amidst. Compared to so smart cunning money minded prestige bound souls...he used to be different! Evaporation of money I had seen in his hands...! He do not take responsibility...aloof...with not much desires...! Very tensed and short tempered that it is very difficult to live with but for his simple and selfless heart I bore everything. He do not do anything for himself even a good dress he is not interested. I used to do everything for him. Not even a trace of ego I found in him. Materialistically he saved nothing...but spiritually he is in surrender. He used to call me Aatha...(mother). More of motherly affection I got that I felt him as a child of me...! I wanted to raise him up before others! All my prayers were for it. He left his body as a king. He was holding top position which most of his own remote relatives were aware of only during his demise. Most of the people have abused him and made fun of him that he would not come up in life. Simple egoless souls are to be raised up...! Lord comes to the world for it! My intention was not to my benefit which others may be unaware...but the Lord knows! Now everything is over!. My karma is finished. 35 yrs of Navrathri celebration right from my childhood has come to an end. No kriyas henceforth...! The Lord is my all...! Indeed I couldn't stop crying...missing my neither egobound...positionbound...moneybound son to say!