Today is the day of Diwali....No celebration this year...Morning I was in such a mood that nothing would make me cheerful. Such a dejection which I was in...that my heart was not up to the joy of festivel...! Nothing could make my heart joyful...not to say it is pulling me down to the lost glory.

See I was lamenting to the Lord...see even to worship you I am not ready with my whole heart...! Why this lazy & ignorant downward pull? Atleast if you send me some flowers I could be cheerful!

See how the Lord again & again affirms his love. I heard a knock at the door. A small boy whom the flower selling lady has sent. He was standing there with three bunches of golden chrysanthemum flowers which was not a common flower sold on road (see this is the first time I get these flowers) & two changing roses(It is a hibiscus variety that changes it colour from white to pink). My heart was in joy Oh! Lord you had sent me your eternal love with it! Only I am not receptive & again & again fall down in heart. I could feel the embrace of grace & touch of divine love day to day!

This has happened in last Navrathri.Myself & my friend were heartily doing Llitha Sahasranama archana with kumkum . My heart was in deep prayer ...and a thought arose...mother so many years we are celebrating you.Will you show your tangible presence once ...? my heart was begging...! I was thinking some form atleast I could see in the kumkum...as a tangible presence of Goddess.

But to my wonder the when I opened the prasad to offer to the Goddess we witnessed a blessing hand. See there were no kids there...and none of our hands could go inside the vessel fully since it was small. Sure manifestation of the blessing hands of Mother....We were carried with bliss...& gratitude...! Miraculous is the Love of Lord!

29.09.11

This Navratri celebration has started. Two days back my heart was in deep grievance when I got blessings from my Guruji stating…Be Laxmi Devi & do Pooja with Laxmi Kadaksha!

See my worldly ties are over & this one year I do not wanted to celebrate pooja but I do not want to leave it as such & in a simple way I thought of doing pooja.

Emergence of Goddess self within …the realizations & awakening I had after meeting my Guruji is something which I never even thought of…!. When I removed my Mangal Sutra on December 1^st 2010 I was shocked to see the Tirupathi Calender which was printed as the Goddess in white saree with Tulsi alone without any flowers. And the next month the same Goddess statue was donated by some devotee to the Tirupathi devastanam temple.It was as though Devi has joined back with the Lord indicating the return of soul to HOME

And my heart was between the world & the Lord. I cried….You assured me the goddess status whereas the treatment of world to a women who lost her husband would be different...why this? What is true…please tell me.

See my heart is such that I see God even amidst most materialistic world & so accepting something beyond this physical world alone ignoring the manifested world did not go with my nature

I received a call immediately after this from my mother.This has happened in december 1^st 2010. She was telling amidst tears…here it is heavy rain & I could see a cow near the gate crying Amma Amma… I felt it is you in the form of Mahalaxmi crying…I prayed ..if it is true please come & get the banana from me & to my wonder it passed the gate came to our door step & ate banana from my hand.

This was the assurance I got from the Lord Himself .

See even after so many assurances given, for many days I hesitated to take kumkum Prasad & flowers. Then I started keeping flowers only if it came as Lord’s Prasad.

Yeasterday one beautiful event happened. In Tirupathi Devastanam temple normally they keep as prasad only Tulsi or other flowers which women normally do not wear in head like Arali or chrysanthemum. So many jasmine flowers would be there which they reserve to very few people & do not distribute. This has always made me sad since giving liberally the jasmine flowers to devotees would make them smile…why this demarcation?

Yesterday I carried jasmine flowers to keep around two devi’s at the Lords chest & as I gave the flowers the person who got it kept it down & another person who came to do Arathi pushed away those flowers. My flower bag was returned with tied red roses.

Somehow I felt so upset & started fighting with the Lord. ..See this is first day of Narathri & are you going to send me being upset by not accepting the flowers. I wouldn’t say the people doing arathi did not wear the flowers to you…because you are Almighty & it is you who activates them. It is you who didn’t accept the flower given with true loving heart. Moreover what flowers have you given back?. How could it be worn? Can’t you give some jasmine flowers being the day of Navrathri & you know I will not wear flowers myself except given by you. Ok whatever you do… do ….with tears & anger this fight spontaneously arose in me. I could see the face of the Lord shrinking…!

You know what happened…the person who kept the flowers down searched for it took it back & again kept in front of the Lord. Again the other person pushed it away. Again the person who received the flowers took it & asked the other person to keep for the Lord. Now the other person took away all jasmine flowers worn by the Lord & filled it in a bucket & kept the flower which I brought on the chest of the Lord. You know one of the mala went inside the bucket & they searched for it & worn it to the Lord. Never it happened at that temple. My heart was in bliss.

To top the experience..see how the grace of Lord works., the person who received the flower from me took a bundle of jasmine flowers & gave it in my hands which I soulfully embraced with my heart. You know the expression of Lord with bubbling smile I could see.

And to my wonder the tub is filled with jasmine flowers for distribution to all devotees which never before happened.

Today morning I went to Saradha math. Devi is in Hamsavahana decoration so beautiful with a enchanting smile. I prayed…and again doubt arose within…Devi you are the maya Shakthi of this manifested world. Through Guruji I could realize the Goddess self within where all the soul experiences of the feminine part of Lord Narayana was given to me. I do not know now what is my position ? As a widow of my worldly Husband or as the bride of the Param Purusha. What am I. You assure me. If you assure that I could do all auspicious pooja’s as the bride of the Lord, give me some flowers or else I would accept the tangible position given by this world.

I was praying & there is no trace of anyone giving flowers…I turned back & started moving out of temple…ok ma I accept what you give…yes the world is also your manifestation & I should 100percent abide by the rules…! I started moving out.

One of the person doing pooja was standing there at the doorstep of the temple…he called me back inside the temple(see this has never happened before) took the flowers from the plate..& gave me. My heart knew no bounds of happiness! Now that I received from the source….! So I do not care for any objection from manifested creation for they do not see behind the veil!

15.09.11

Days pass by. So many heart touching events which I had taken in a detached mood. Yes even after Lord made me realize the temporarary nature of life, my heart was suffering to recover from the blow of life. I was thinking anyway how hard the life may be,living alone parting a soul with whom I lived meant nothing …! Yesterday again the curtain of maya was in full making me think of all positive things I lost after my husband’s demise. Early morning I had a dream…I was speaking to one of my Husband’s colleague by name Balaji. He is leading a family life with his wife & children. It is as though in dream his wife has died & I am enquiring him how life goes on…the children would get affected more…! Next I was thinking perhaps he must have got a devoted wife & truly very difficult for him to bear. So I asked the next question hesitantly…what nature is your wife? Suddenly he replies in Tamil.I will reproduce the words” Appadi ontum kaaviya vaZhkai naanga vallalai’ meaning “Not like that we lived so great love life”.Immediately I reply. Yes we too like that .So I am able to atleast bear the loss.

See this conversation is as though the Lord educating me. Yes balaji name of the Lord . The life we lived is not so binding since my husband’s nature itself is he is so disinterested in life whereas I am opposite. I place my heart & soul at everything I do. Almost all household decoration or improvement or pooja everything I do without his involvement. And hardly very few places we go out together since my husband is disinterested in going out & only out of my compulsion accompany me.

I used to take positive things to my life forgetting negatives at once. But the Lord is full as a conscious witness & an impartial judge. So he asks me ..have you lived so great a love life to worry unnecessarily?

Why don’t you let go? Behold my Eternal everflowing Love & Grace!

Lord affirms…Lord fills…He rushes as an unfailing power! Yet our weak human hearts held in bondage struggle to accept & respond…! HE waits patiently for us to turn towards HIM! Even after acceptance as a feminine aspect of HIM, this soul suffers out of its own ignorance!

08.08.11

Days pass by but the love of Lord which never fails proves again and again like the untiring waves of the Ocean. You know so many little things which I could never write down in words happen & the miraculousness of events now has become so casual which I should be aware & awake to Truth.

See even in little things HE cares. When I was alone waiting for the Lab report yesterday when I felt lonely thinking of missing tangible presence of my husband , suddenly I got a call wherein my husband’s colleague called me. He was working with my husband & true to say I value his services more than my own brother’s. He asked me where I am since he was just coming to my home, I detailed the reason for which I was waiting. Within five ten minutes he was there , accompanied me to doctor, got the medicines & then left. I was speechless by the way Grace worked because I was praying to the Lord ,anyway this tangible presence I am missing ,if he was there he would have got medicines for me. The moment any longing arises in me HE rushes to fill it. What penance have I done for that? To be at the lap of gracious Divine…! Nothing I desire when HE fills everything! See how grace works. Here I am a tangible proof.

Last Saturday it so happened that I was wearing a red chudidhar. When I was taking out flowers from my fridge to be taken to the Lord, I found a single red Bangalore Rose. A thought flashed for a moment that I could keep it since it matches my dress. Next moment casually I felt no and I took the flower for the Lord along with other flowers.

I used to buy regularly Nagalinga Flowers from a flower selling lady near Sringeri Saradha Math on the way to office. For the past one year I was buying and never I had seen her keeping Bangalore roses. As usual I got the flower from her& hanged it on the hook of my two wheeler. I raised my head to see the lady laughing with a red Bangalore rose & telling keep this flower on your head. Who said you should not keep flowers. Right from our birth we start keeping flowers. Why should we leave it in between?. Have this flower! It matches your dress! I was stunned. It was as though God communicating to me. He gives me personally a flower from HIS heart which no treasures in this world would match!

I wanted to share an experience which happened two months back. Last Navrathri celebration at our home was very vibrant that it manifested in the Prasad as Devi’s hand blessing. I will post the picture of it taken and kept preciously by me. I did Kanya Pooja to kids from my neighbhouring flat treating them as Goddess Lakshmi. They were Vaishnavas. Their grandma an old lady was telling that after taking Dhiksha from our Guru, we don’t go to shakthi temple and take kumkum Prasad. One of my aunt is also strong Vishnu devotee & she never goes to Shakthi temple. I had been brought up in major shaiva worship but it included worship all the Gods. And I was devoted to Sri Ramakrishna who never excluded any religion.

I was awakened by the Lord in the form of Hiranyagarbha as my Guru. After the demise of my Husband I got a small doubt. Everything was over…so with the celebration of navrathri. Does the Lord says that enough is the external austerities performed! Be immersed in me! And it is Devi in the form of Maya who pervades this Universe. Does he keeps me away from Devi worship thereby withdrawing my soul from Maya? But you know while reciting ‘Abirami Andadhi’ the bliss & love we feel…I couldn’t such resist it. Can such a loveful worship be withdrawn? It was not possible for me to keep away from Devi worship. You know when such thoughts pervaded me, I got a call from my Guru. Normally whenever my guru calls we used to chant Hare Rama Mahamantra & nothing else. Not even a single day he asked from me any other thing except a few songs of Vishnu if time permits. That day I started the mantra ,he immediately intervened.CC stop. I want to hear Abhirami Andathi from you. Please sing a few poems of ‘abhirami andhadhi’ and after that finish with Maha mantra. I was in tears. How the Lord reveals the truth….no narrow-mindedness could ever bind ME! And after hearing the poems he uttered…CC I was in ecstasic tears. Henceforth whenever you call me you should sing few songs of abirami andhathi! This is direct from Lord! Supreme is his ABODE. Limitless is HIS grace! Nothing could contain HIM!

One more incident I would like to share. My cousin sister’s son is with us since five months. He got postings in Head Post Office & leaving his MBA he joined over there. That was on one auspicious day I think & at 9 PM I need to call my Guruji. We were speaking and the topic rested on swamiji. My cousin sister’s son asked me what do you think of swamiji? I said….the Lord reveals to me the core of everyone’s heart if needed & the only person who is mysterious is my GURU. I could never grasp him. Even I have difference of opinions with him. I used to argue sometimes. I had received topmost experience of ecstasy & no mind state from Him. I experienced Lord Krishna through HIM! Also entirely upside down experiences I had. I could see in HIM both Ganges & ditch water mingle. Such a contradiction! I could never define HIM this or that. He is full with existence sometimes & totally kills existence other times! Supreme words of Lord emerge from him & worse words of a lay man too. He used to be in ecstasic tears hearing maha mantra or songs of the Lord. At the same time he abuses the Lord!. He keeps mind as the final truth whereas I keep heart as final truth. He is the one great mystery which I couldn’t solve.

I described my guru as above, suddenly I remembered I need to call Him. I said to my sister’s son, ok I will speak to him & after that we all can recite maha mantra to him. The moment I called, my guruji said, CC I was writing a poem…can I read it,,try if you could understand. My Guruji’s poetic tamil used to be like old traditional poets. He read…I am giving just the translation of what he has written addressing the Lord.

” To rule over me , I approached YOU”.

YOU asked “Did you witnessed ME just by approaching me ?

Having left “ I & You” your state of being has become my state of being!(In tamil “Naan Nee Entathai vittathal Vun Nilai En Nilai Anathae”)

It is not the poem he has written to the Lord. It came as a reply to what we discussed! Nothing in this world HE could not hear!.Nothing in this world which HE could not solve!

02.06.11

Actually day before yesterday night I was crying a lot to the Lord chanting Maha Mantra.

Yesterday while sleeping I could hear the voice of Lord Krishna singing …only the first line I could hear clearly…i.e chithiram pesuthady…enthan sindhai mayangudhady…I couldn’t hear the other lines because my son was speaking loudly and playing with his friends which interrupted the song. Then I could hear the sweet music of the flute which magnetically attracted my soul to the Lord.

Today I searched in the web to find the lyrics of the song.Yesterday all the way I was searching in Bharadiyar’s Krishna songs which could not be found. I am not after hearing songs and never know much about it.Today I got it in the net and I never knew the song as well. For the first time I come across the song. Perhaps it could have emerged in a true heart of divine love.

Lyrics of Chitthiram Pesuthadi by Kannan Ananthanaraya..

Posted:2010-01-01 19:48:58

Chithiram pesuthadi.. . ninn.. chithiram pesuthadi
Enthan sinthai mayanguthadi. e e e....
Chithiram pesuthadi,
Enthan sinthai mayanguthadi e ee...
Chithram pesuthadi.

Muthu charangalai pol......ooooo....oooooo
muthu charangalai pol
mohana punagai minuthadi e ee
Muthu chargalai pol mohana punagai minuthadi e ee
chitiram pesuthadi....
Enthan sinthai mayanguthadi e . ee
chitiram pesuthadi


Thavum kodi mele..... aaaa....aaaaaaa....
Thavum kodi mele
ollir thanga kudam pole aaa
Thavum kodi mele
ollir thanga kudam pole.....

pavaiyin perezhile enthen
avalai thunduthadi
pavayin perezhile enthen
avalai thunduthai....e eeee......

Chithiram pesuthadi
enthan sinthai mayanguthadi...e..e.e
Chithiram pesuthadi

Enmanam nearivai... unthan enamum nan ariven
Enmanam nearivai
unthan enamum nanariven
eennamum umayai pol
mounam enadi thenmozhiye
ennamum umayai pol
mounam enadi thenmozhiye

Chithiram pesuthadi
enthan sinthai mayanguthadi...e..e.e
Chithiram pesuthadi eeeee
'

This is not something physical. It speaks about the inner beauty and pure love expressed. How sweet are Lord’s ways.

03.05.11

I feel it blissful to write a spontaneous gracious event that happened yesterday. Last two weeks I was on leave. Summer holidays for kids and my sister was with me. With prestige pressure cooker I was having gasket and other problems. My sister suggested Hawkins, that once for all there won’t be any problem with Hawkins. When we went for shopping I was looking for two cookers one medium and another small one. I bought 3litre cooker and 1.5 litre I thought I will buy later. All because with one salary now I should run my house with housing loan too as background. Yesterday early morning in half sleep a song arouse within me which is from Abirami Anthathi(starting with Sidhiyum Sidhi tharum theivamumagi thigalum parasakthiyum..….) I immediately woke up took the book and referred the meaning and effect of that sloka. It said that sloka is for attaining miraculous powers. ( Ella Sithigalum adaiya). Immediately my heart prayed what if Lord with miraculous powers I do. Your Holy Feet is enough for me. Divine Love alone should penetrate every atom of me.

I joined back office yesterday. To my surprise, on my table was waiting a small 1.5 litre pressure cooker labeled Miss Mary. It was Hawkins pressure cooker. I asked is it for me .My colleague said yes Madam it is from co-operative society. Ours is a petrochemical company and I was a member of society formed by employees. Every year we receive one gift but it is unusual they chose pressure cooker for gift for more than hundred members. I write this not to boast of myself but as we believe today, money is not real wealth. It is this wealth which emerges from Goddess Mahalakshmi which is the real wealth…! Right things at right time! Magnanimous …matchless and unimaginable are the ways of divine. Once you drink the nectar of divine love you never exchange it for all the treasures this whole Universe gives!