24.12.10.

It is three four months since the flower selling lady stopped her sale not to henceforth come. Yesterday there was some blankness in my heart when I crossed the place where she sells flowers. She always used to get unique and varieties of flowers which others don’t. A thought crossed me. Ok everything you deprive me of. After his demise(Husband) you deprive me of my soulful flowers too I feel. Anyway I accept whatever you give in life with my whole heart. Nothing is permanent here …everything blooms & perishes too!. Your Holy Feet is my only hold.

To my surprise today morning on my way I could see beautiful flowers & the flower seller sitting in usual place smiling and handing over the flowers to me. What else I need in life….! Lord..The Kalpaka Vriksha rushes to manifest a thought which arises within…! Blessed I feel.

Swamiji stopped communication after the events that happened following the demise of my Husband.Every margali month right from my childhood from the age of two I had the practice of going to temple ,credit goes to my mother. This time no…liveliness to go. Last week end I could feel the pull of the Lord…(Tirupathi). Somehow I felt an anger towards HIM. In the midnight while sleeping I could feel HIS presence saying that whatever you wish you ask for. I was so upset and reacted in a spur of the moment.. could you bring his life back? No. then why ask me? Then I realized my thoughts moving in ignorant ways. Yes even when my Husband was with me I based my root fixed on the Lord & I was aware that everything happened only by HIS will and we were mere puppets. I asked forgiveness from the LORD for my useless anger.

I had another experience too . Words rising up from within…Shyam Sundara form is the most beautiful form. I could feel the love of Lord but my heart was not in a condition to receive it. I told my brother about this too. This happened on 18.12.10. On 22^nd I had a sudden remembrance of this and I searched in the net for Shyam Sundara form. To my wonder He is the LORD of Vrindavan and this particular form of Krishna has manifested from the Heart of Radha & it is the full expression of Personal Godhood & best two handed form of Lord Krishna.

Yesterday morning I woke up at 5 A.M. This margali from 1^st evening I could notice an unusual change in climate and extreme cold in the air…. After many years ,now the climate is like the one when I was at 7 years old…so chill! And Tirupathi witnessed 14degree which was never before it seems.I remembered those pleasant days of rising up earlier…worshipping the Lord…! Immediately I took bath and recited Thiruppavai…Thiruvembavai & Varanamayiram and offered milk to the Lord and did Pooja. This gave me peace amidst my disturbed disappointment with my Husband’s death. Today Swamiji called up saying that something pulled my heart to speak to you. How are You? I had noticed whenever I chant Mahamantra in deep quest or whenever I pray Krishna soulfully communication from my Guru comes without fail. I could feel the love of God tangibly manifest to hear me…see…me…follow me…protect me like lashes of eye. Even amidst such great guidance my heart dive deep in ignorance. I could feel the deep pain of people too fully in ignorance how it would shatter them into pieces. True… so binding is this world…unless conscious to the core we are soaked…soaked…in deep ignorance!