29.09.11

This Navratri celebration has started. Two days back my heart was in deep grievance when I got blessings from my Guruji stating…Be Laxmi Devi & do Pooja with Laxmi Kadaksha!

See my worldly ties are over & this one year I do not wanted to celebrate pooja but I do not want to leave it as such & in a simple way I thought of doing pooja.

Emergence of Goddess self within …the realizations & awakening I had after meeting my Guruji is something which I never even thought of…!. When I removed my Mangal Sutra on December 1^st 2010 I was shocked to see the Tirupathi Calender which was printed as the Goddess in white saree with Tulsi alone without any flowers. And the next month the same Goddess statue was donated by some devotee to the Tirupathi devastanam temple.It was as though Devi has joined back with the Lord indicating the return of soul to HOME

And my heart was between the world & the Lord. I cried….You assured me the goddess status whereas the treatment of world to a women who lost her husband would be different...why this? What is true…please tell me.

See my heart is such that I see God even amidst most materialistic world & so accepting something beyond this physical world alone ignoring the manifested world did not go with my nature

I received a call immediately after this from my mother.This has happened in december 1^st 2010. She was telling amidst tears…here it is heavy rain & I could see a cow near the gate crying Amma Amma… I felt it is you in the form of Mahalaxmi crying…I prayed ..if it is true please come & get the banana from me & to my wonder it passed the gate came to our door step & ate banana from my hand.

This was the assurance I got from the Lord Himself .

See even after so many assurances given, for many days I hesitated to take kumkum Prasad & flowers. Then I started keeping flowers only if it came as Lord’s Prasad.

Yeasterday one beautiful event happened. In Tirupathi Devastanam temple normally they keep as prasad only Tulsi or other flowers which women normally do not wear in head like Arali or chrysanthemum. So many jasmine flowers would be there which they reserve to very few people & do not distribute. This has always made me sad since giving liberally the jasmine flowers to devotees would make them smile…why this demarcation?

Yesterday I carried jasmine flowers to keep around two devi’s at the Lords chest & as I gave the flowers the person who got it kept it down & another person who came to do Arathi pushed away those flowers. My flower bag was returned with tied red roses.

Somehow I felt so upset & started fighting with the Lord. ..See this is first day of Narathri & are you going to send me being upset by not accepting the flowers. I wouldn’t say the people doing arathi did not wear the flowers to you…because you are Almighty & it is you who activates them. It is you who didn’t accept the flower given with true loving heart. Moreover what flowers have you given back?. How could it be worn? Can’t you give some jasmine flowers being the day of Navrathri & you know I will not wear flowers myself except given by you. Ok whatever you do… do ….with tears & anger this fight spontaneously arose in me. I could see the face of the Lord shrinking…!

You know what happened…the person who kept the flowers down searched for it took it back & again kept in front of the Lord. Again the other person pushed it away. Again the person who received the flowers took it & asked the other person to keep for the Lord. Now the other person took away all jasmine flowers worn by the Lord & filled it in a bucket & kept the flower which I brought on the chest of the Lord. You know one of the mala went inside the bucket & they searched for it & worn it to the Lord. Never it happened at that temple. My heart was in bliss.

To top the experience..see how the grace of Lord works., the person who received the flower from me took a bundle of jasmine flowers & gave it in my hands which I soulfully embraced with my heart. You know the expression of Lord with bubbling smile I could see.

And to my wonder the tub is filled with jasmine flowers for distribution to all devotees which never before happened.

Today morning I went to Saradha math. Devi is in Hamsavahana decoration so beautiful with a enchanting smile. I prayed…and again doubt arose within…Devi you are the maya Shakthi of this manifested world. Through Guruji I could realize the Goddess self within where all the soul experiences of the feminine part of Lord Narayana was given to me. I do not know now what is my position ? As a widow of my worldly Husband or as the bride of the Param Purusha. What am I. You assure me. If you assure that I could do all auspicious pooja’s as the bride of the Lord, give me some flowers or else I would accept the tangible position given by this world.

I was praying & there is no trace of anyone giving flowers…I turned back & started moving out of temple…ok ma I accept what you give…yes the world is also your manifestation & I should 100percent abide by the rules…! I started moving out.

One of the person doing pooja was standing there at the doorstep of the temple…he called me back inside the temple(see this has never happened before) took the flowers from the plate..& gave me. My heart knew no bounds of happiness! Now that I received from the source….! So I do not care for any objection from manifested creation for they do not see behind the veil!